What Women Want, If They Know What's Good For Them

I've been trying to decide what, in my mind, is the worst quality in people. This is purely an exercise for me, as I feel like I am rather less than qualified to identify a bad person (because I am a bad person), but one I've decided to see through to the end. In doing so, I've also come up with some ideas for what qualities I like in people on the rare occasion that I like people. By combining these opposing concepts with my favorite subject behind drinking, racism, and Star Wars (that is, women) I have developed a series of no-doubt informative paragraphs regarding what I would seek in a potential mate and what would send me screaming from the relationship like a Christian from a talking snake.

I have also succeeded in taking virtually everything I have ever been taught about how to structure an opening paragraph and forced it to suck my cock.

I'm not sure why, at this point, I've elected to do this or how successful it will be to conduct this excercise in full view of you, my adoring public. I have, as I said, been thinking about it a great deal lately. Maybe I need a girlfriend. Maybe I have brain cancer. Point is, you are about to get an education in my personal philosophies, and if you verbally dispute them I will become very angsty, dye my hair black, and call you a whore.

So, what do I dislike about people? What qualities are more likely to fill me to the brim with rage-lava than make my heart swell with love juice?

Envy. Envy tops the list because it find it has an inherent duality and that can mean only one thing: people will make it negative. See, some kinds of envy can be powerful motivators. My brother is heaped with praise for how good he is at sports and I, craving that sort of positive feedback, resolve to get better at the things I enjoy. This, in turn, fosters a friendly kind of competition and a desire to improve.

However, if I'm envious that my friend is getting tons of sex I might remedy this by getting black out drunk with a fat girl and contracting herpes. This, obviously, would be a negative thing. Far more appropriately, envy is kind of the central source of jealousy. That, I can not tolerate.

Envy can be good for a relationship in moderation. I think a girl that craves my attention is a wonderful thing, and being what I'd call "playfully jealous" is cute in my book. By all means, tease me about the amount of time I spend with my friends. But when it becomes overbearing, we'll have issues.Contrary to popular belief, I'm not much of a liar or a cheater, and I find myself unable to relate to jealous people because I see no reason for it. Your significant other will do what they're going to do, regardless of how much pressure and suspicion you pile onto them, and doing things like searching their phone or following them after they leave your house, or checking their Facebook status to see if it mentions another girl's name and then losing your shit will only make them feel more entitled to do those things.

If you suspect me of something and refuse to believe it isn't true, I might as well make it true, in other words. So, for me, jealousy is irrational. Not to mention my aforementioned ineptitude when it comes to lying and cheating in the first place. I have no use for lying. I find the truth much more invigorating.

Static cling is a close second. Look, everyone wants to be adored. There is nothing, nothing, more satisfying than looking into a person's eyes and seeing that they are wholly devoting all of their attention and affection for that moment to you. We all like to be appreciated for the things we're good at, for our physical appeal, for the size of our genitals. Again, in moderation. When you become obsessive, that adoration becomes stifling and oppressive. Instead of wanting to show off how good I am at something (let's say gangsta rap) so you'll find me more pleasant to be around, I want to smack the shit out of you with a brick so you'll leave me alone.

See, clinging to someone actually repels them. You become like polar opposites in magnetism. It's wonderful when your partner shows an interest in something you like, but it's terrible when that person wants to become so utterly involved in that thing that you start to hate it. People have different interests, even people in relationships. You don't have to like every obscure black metal band that I do, but I do expect you to respect my taste. Likewise, I won't pretend to be salivating at the thought of hearing about how much you love your new job but I will listen intently to how your day went, or that dream promotion you're working on. You can share passions, of course, but those things should not be wholly overlapping. The specific interests that define my personality will not, under any circumstances, be the same ones that define you.

In regards to the clinging thing on a personal level, I like my solitude sometimes. We all do. I like to see my friends without my girlfriend tagging along. This doesn't mean I'm ashamed of you, or that I don't want to spend time with you. It means, on some level, I think we're close enough not to be sewn together every waking moment. Likewise, I expect that sometimes we'll see friends together and sometimes you'll give me twenty bucks to get lost for the night so your friends can come over and watch Dateline or whatever. These separations are healthy.

Attraction and criticism are tied because they're kind of tied together. Look, I'm not Brad Pitt. Or Keanu Reeves. Or whoever represents the ideal male physique to you. I'm overweight, I'm a little out of shape, I have physical flaws like all normal people. What I mean is, I'd like to think I'm a pretty decent looking guy, but I am by no means a greek god of manly physical stature. Nor are you Audrey Hepburn. Of course we'll be attracted to each other, without attraction we couldn't very well have a physical relationship. I will fawn over the features I find beautiful about you and, more or less, ignore the less attractive ones. While I certainly don't expect you to drool over me, I also don't expect derogatory remarks, particularly about things I'm unhappy with about myself.

To be fair, this isn't something I've ever dealt with personally. Typically, people who find something unattractive enough about me to warrant attention aren't interested anyway, and they keep those things to themselves. I have, however, seen this in other relationships where a party will mercilessly point out physical shortcomings. That's wrong, and you're an asshole.

Likewise, critcism can be constructive. If I mention my weight, for instance, you might suggest a gym. Or something to that effect. You might even teasingly poke my love handles. That is the extent of it. Further than that and I'll point out how one of your boobs is bigger than the other, your feet look like hobbit feet, and your nose is wide enough to land planes on. Not because these things are true, but because I'm vindictive. Why? Fuck you, that's why. That sort of constructive criticism (and I'm using the example of physical things here, but it applies to any aspect of a person) should be used sparingly and carefully. Hurting someone, especially over something they're insecure about, for any reason, is a real dick move and should incur dick punches. For women, it should incur forced anal. Because it makes you a nasty cunt, and no one wants a nasty cunt.

Moving on, I'm obligated to talk about sex. It's part of the contract I signed with Satan to earn this gift of gab I've abused so often, I have to mention sex every time I speak. Sex has to be invigorating. Plain and simple, I've broken off more casual flings and become dissatisfied in more semi-serious relationships as a result of boring sex than damn near anything else. I have said, probably a billion times, that I revel in things like this. If the sex is bad, chances are the conversation is bad and, in my experience, one or more of the negative things I mentioned above is prevalent. Likewise, I have a lot of sexual quirks. I don't expect you to cater to them all, and I may not want to cater to all of yours, but there has to be enough fertile ground between us for a healthy sex life to bloom. Not too liberal, not too conservative. If you're not into anything more than brief, lights-out, missionary sex I am absolutely not interested. I need a lot more variety than that to thrive and, frankly, you probably do too.

More succinctly, I am not interested in someone that isn't interested in exploring.

Lastly, stupidity. I shouldn't elaborate much on this, because it seems obvious enough, but for the sake of balance I'll do just that. Conversation is a big deal to me. We have to be comfortable talking. I'll make jokes about my many, many failures and shortcomings as a human being, but a lot of the things I'm told I excel at I firmly believe. Being intellectual is one of those things. Understanding this, I will also never talk down to someone. I'm trying to make a career using words, and despite the occasional snide remark about grammar or word choice, I don't expect that everyone will be on the same level as I am all the time. Likewise, I expect you are well-versed in a field that I may not be as competent in. We should be able to learn from each other, and I'm fairly liberal in what I call a field. If you have kids, you know a shit ton about raising kids that I don't know, but I'd damn sure like to learn about it.

The point is, someone that has nothing to offer me intellectually, who can't offer me a stimulating conversation every now and again, has no business sharing my life. I like to be told I'm intelligent, but hate being told I'm smart by someone with a lower IQ than a box of nails.

So, what does a guy like me look for? An attractive girl (believe me, that's pretty broad) that isn't half-retarded, that adores me for the things I'm good at and lets me adore her in return. A girl that doesn't mind my flaws because she has some of her own, flaws we can work on together. A girl that is neither wholly submissive nor wholly domineering. A girl that likes herself some sex, but doesn't find my fascination with it disgusting and encourages me to find new and exciting things to try. I want a girl that is interested in my life, not interested in running it.

Additionally, I have a pretty nice dong.

The line starts here, applicants can expect a response in five to ten days.

Orgasmically Yours,
-S.R.