I wanted something to seethe and rage and write scathing, angsty commentary about. So, naturally, I went to Facebook first. I do this because I haven't been feeling exactly cryptic or metaphoric lately (although, neither of those things are actual emotions and, in retrospect, that sentence probably didn't make a fuck-wit of sense), and because I'm quite in need of an outlet for blowing off steam. Unfortunately, Facebook proved inadequate.
So, I'm going to talk about things that I want to hate-fuck instead.
Do you know what pisses me off? Of course you do. You didn't just stumble on here accidentally. You came with intent and that means you know me. And if you know me, you know what gets my blood boiling until I'm on the floor, stroking out, shrieking nonsense until I'm rushed to the hospital and loaded up on morphine and laxatives.
So here's something else that pisses me off, because I want that portfolio to be the most full when the CIA comes knocking on your door, asking what you know about me (you're on a watchlist just for coming here, so stick around).
I fucking hate it when people demonize something unnecessarily.
Two prime examples come to mind. Both of them stemming from a conversation I had with a good friend who, I hope, will read this and not assume I'm taking shots at her. That debate was more light-hearted than anything, but the more I've circled over it in my head, the more I feel inclined to offer a real, ridiculous, violent commentary on the subject.
The first is economics. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not claiming to be any sort of expert on the subject. I'm just polluting the internet with more pointless drivel. That said, who the hell decided socialism was going to be the new boogeyman? Seems like everyone who disagrees with the Republicans these days is a fucking socialist. It's like the Red Scare all over again, without the bat-shit insane trials (yet). The Republicans, of all people, should embrace the hell out of socialism. I mean, aren't they the ones who always condemn big government (while simultaneously creating an enormous number of overlapping government agencies for, evidently, no fucking reason)? A socialist system is favored by anarchists because it promotes less government, at least in its purest form. Sure, facist regimes have used it and abused it to their own ends, the same way Stalin abused Marxist Communism to create a dictatorship.
The point of socialism is that the guy who makes the products makes the most return on it. So, if you own a company like most rich, white men do, you'd see the money from the sale of your products as opposed to giving huge portions of your income away to the government. What a novel idea. I'm not saying it's a good system. It has its flaws. It's more than likely some asshole (read: everyone) would abuse it for their own gain. I'm just saying that giving people free health care isn't one-step out from Nazidom.
Now, however, I'm getting pretty fucking tired of people complaining every time a fucking holiday rolls around about how the "meaning" of the day is being ruined by all the marketing. Look, I know you stopped paying attention to everything at the age of ten and now, surrounded by grown-ups you're desperately trying to sound intellectual, but you actually sound like an asshole.
Do any of these people actually know the alleged meaning of their holidays? Or are they just talking this contrived bullshit because it makes them feel good to have a retarded opinion on something that, frankly, doesn't fucking matter?
I'm not going to go into the religious bullshit, that isn't what we're attacking right now. Suffice to say, read a Cracked article. I'm sure they have one about how you're a fucking idiot for believing the bullshit ways you celebrate holidays have anything to do with what the day is intended to represent. My point here, is that capitalism demands marketing. And if people are willing to shell out money because they marketed a heart-shaped enema and it's Valentine's Day, it is capitalism's fucking job to market that shit.
Look, a capitalist system is competitive, it drives progress. Yes, there is greed inherent in any system that allows one person to own more than another, but the desire to accumulate things is entirely human and entirely justified based on the way we interact socially. So what's the fucking problem? is it God? Does God hate marketing? I don't understand why, if we're so damned eager for new products, for new technologies, we can't let the economy have a piece of our holidays too.
Besides, ever have a girlfriend and forget to buy her something for Valentine's Day?
Which brings me to my second example: genders.
If everything you hear about the opposite sex is true then 1.) All women are crazy and 2.) All men are lying sacks of shit.
Fuck you. Fuck you so hard.
I love sexist jokes. I think they're hilarious. But when it comes right down to it, they're hilarious for the exact opposite reason racist jokes are funny: None of it is true. It's all bullshit. Women aren't crazy. Some of them are unstable. They're clingy, sure. Jealous, whatever. But an equal or greater number of them are regular people. Just going about their lives. They don't fly into a shit-flinging rampage every time you mention another girl's name. The ones that do, while terrifying, aren't as common as you might think.
Likewise, not every guy out there is a raging jackass. They don't all lie and cheat and use the same lines over and over again to get a little action. Trust me, girls, you aren't that fucking hard to get into bed. Stop flattering yourselves. Do you know what kind of men feel the need to do those things? Shallow ones. Guys that don't want for anything, don't have trouble getting along with people based on surface attractions, don't actually have anything to offer you. You know, the kind you actually want to fuck. The nerdy guys? The shit-ugly guys? They wouldn't cheat on you. They wouldn't need to. But you don't know that, because you're a shallow bitch, too.
Now how does that feel, ladies? Being called out like that. You're sitting there insisting it couldn't be you, right? Has to be that men are just predators. Just taking advantage of your vulnerabilities. That's a crock. You're just playing both sides. You don't get to be the independent, liberated, fuck-off woman you claim to be and then turn around and tell me a man tricked you and lied to you.
Because it's not true. No one can convince you to go out with them, or go to bed with them, if you don't already want to somewhere. Unless he literally raped you, that shit was your decision. If you didn't manage to do your homework before you agreed to it, how is that my fault as a man? And likewise, just because a few assholes played tricks on you why am I at fault for it? Because we have the same genitals (and his are smaller, obviously)?
That's like me deciding that since one girl lied and told me she was pregnant so I wouldn't leave her, every woman that has ever told a man she's pregnant was lying. Do you see how fucking ridiculous you are?
Now, men aren't any different. You try to play the stud card until a girl find out what kind of person you are and drops your ass like a newborn in a dumpster. Then you cry heartbreak. You're so pitiful, I wouldn't dick-punch you with Chris Brown's fist. You don't get it both ways either. You can be the swaggering douchebag or the emotional, deep-feelings sort but you can't be both. Because they're opposites and its ridiculous.
Likewise, if you go after a girl because she's just so hot you can't believe it, and all your friends agree, and every man you encounter agrees, and she turns out to be not only batshit insane, but incredibly high-maintenance? You're a fucking idiot. Of course she is, because no one becomes that full of themselves without having a whole gaggle of morons kissing her ass. The first time you don't, she'll tear your god damned lungs out. Maybe you, too, should have thought about it before you put your dick somewhere with teeth.
My point is this: These gender stereotypes are utter bullshit. They account for maybe half of the population. If we'd stop being so shallow, maybe pay a little attention, we'd have a lot less of this kind of nonsense to bitch about. But we won't, because we're shallow creatures. So, girls, please keep going after the kind of men that will treat you like shit. Because you deserve it. And guys, keep chasing after that fiery brunette in the jeggings until she's got your balls in a vice and your friends on speed-dial. You deserve every second.
You dumbass.
Yours,
-S.R.
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