The Politics of Food

So I went to Panera Bread today, to get some soup bowl bullshit for my assistant. I've avoided Panera so far, despite its rapid growth out of nowhere, because new things make me uncomfortable and I hate to spend money on food that may or may not suck. However, I've been there twice this week (both times picking up food for someone else) and I have to say this: Fuck Panera Bread. Fuck them right up their tight, pretensious asses.

See, now I'm pissed off about politics and culture because a fucking fast food chain tried to make me feel inferior. I'm not inferior to you, sandwich joint. I am superior. Because I have a dick and thumbs and money to burn somewhere else.

Let me explain that, it was a bunch of nonsense.

When you think of a person identified as "a liberal" what do you picture? I would bet dollars to dimes it was one of two things. Either a tall, slim, perhaps vaguely ethnic (but probably more white than not) male with too much money and a flowery tongue. The kind of man that is intelligent, intellectual, charming, and maybe just a little bit too rich. He's confident bordering on arrogant. That, or you pictured an uneducated, hemp wearing, jobless loser that smells like patchouli and failure.

Now, picture "a conservative". I'll bet it was a stodgy old man, white of course, maybe with just the hint of a southern drawl, again probably too rich and well dressed. He misses the way things were "back in the day", hates fun and has a summer home somewhere along the coast of God's Waiting Room. That, or he was a redneck halfwit sporting a camo hat and an entire wardrobe purchased from Army surplus stores, missing at least half his front teeth, and swilling lukewarm Coors Light (despite it being clearly intended for cold consumption).

Here's the problem with those things, aside from the fact that you're picturing people at the opposite end of the socio-economic spectrum regardless of which political alignment you look at: You're fucking wrong.

You're fucking wrong, because there is no difference between those two. Their beleifs are so close together they could fingerblast each other. The real difference between the two is, and quite frankly always has been, who gets more power in making laws. That's it. The rest is just bullshit.

The real differences exist in the people themselves and the kind of horseshit they'll put up with. Go to a small town diner. Like the one here in Milford. Fox News is on every television. There are pictures of Regan and Bush Jr. (and Sr. come to think on it) just fucking everywhere. If you walk in there wearing denim and a t-shirt, nobody bats and eye. If you walk in there looking like a colored person, they might look up. If you walk in there with a septum piercing and death metal bandshirt, they might chuckle. These are just people eating. The owners and the managers are the ones promoting all the bullshit on the walls. Maybe a handful of regulars. The rest of them don't really care. Unless you strike up a conversation. Then, they'll ram all their cracker-jack fucking ideas down your throat until you regurgitate the Tea Party.

That's actually something I appreciate about conservatives. They're mostly, well conservative. They don't bring it up until you do. And you do. Because you're a liberal. And that makes you kind of an asshole. Again, this is a difference in people ( by and large, there are clearly exceptions).

Now leave that diner and walk into Starbucks. Try not to kill yourself. Hear that bullshit music they're playing? Some fuck-off indie pseudo-rock that sounds somewhat like a wild boar fucking a guitar? See all those funny words on the menu that might be English, or Italian, or just a crock of shit somebody made up? Take a deep breath through your nose. Really let that pretension sink in. Try to lock eyes with the guy in the horn-rimmed glasses with the Mac laptop in the corner, pretending to work on his novel and surreptitiously glaring at you for not already admiring what a fucking literary genius he must be just by nearing his essence. If you hang out there for more than ten minutes, I guarantee someone will start talking to you. And what do they want to talk about? Probably politics.

Punch that guy right in the throat and leave.

Now, there is something in there I appreciate about liberals. They are, for the most part, concise and blunt. They tend to use facts to their advantage (while insisting time and again that they are, in all reality, facts if somewhat skewed toward their own opinions). They tend to avoid slipping into name-calling and scare tactics (although they are still using the tried and true blame-the-other-guy method). I appreciate a logical argument. Just not when I'm trying to eat.

I'm not really sure where I wanted to go with this, and i'm sure I've gotten off-topic, if I ever had a topic.

My point is this: if you identify yourself as 'liberal' or 'conservative' and you don't fit into those stereotypes I mentioned above, you are a jackass. That should be your political affiliation. Jackass. Don't simply mold your beleifs into an already established (however vaguely) set of ideals. Create your own. Be an individual.

And for fuck's sake stay away from my food.

Yours,
-S.R.