I've done a lot of reading lately, and not much of anything else. Its like hanging in stasis. Suspended, unmoving, trapped. I'm not running in place because that would require effort. I'm not stuck in a rut. My mind churns on and on, hurling thought at me from whatever nebulous place it originates until I'm filled with it, choking on it. I swallow, force it down, and keep hanging there. Swinging gently back and forth in the midday sun. Strung up for crimes against humanity or crimes against creativity. I'm not dead. Something like me can't really die this way, but I am decaying. I'm rotting and the things I used to enjoy are consuming me just as they wither away from malnourishment.
I'm wasting away here, and I fucking hate it.
Maybe this is that place I needed to find before I could not sink any lower. I spend my hours leaping back and forth between wondering about women and whether I'll ever settle down and stop being this lonesome, loathesome thing that just wanders into people's lives and quietly vanishes. Or worrying about a job that, honestly, doesn't mean anything to me. What do I care? Let the store burn down. I'm not seeing any benefit of all my work. I'm not heaped with praise for the way I do my job. Its a bullshit, dead-end fucking nightmare day-in and day-out. Nothing changes, nothing improves, and I'm getting sick of wasting my time. I spend my time on these things, or wondering if I will ever actually lose all that weight I keep talking about.
But mostly, I wonder about writing. See, I've done all this reading lately and I've come to realize that I need a hand. No novel, no poetry collection, no cohesive piece of work is ever solely the creation of a single person. I have a completed draft of a novel that's simply sitting. I haven't touched it in over a year. I finished it, set it aside, and started working on something else. I figured in a few months I'd go back to it, do some re-reading and editing, take more notes, and build something concrete to send out. I know where it needs work, more or less, but I need help with it. I've got a short story I need a few pointers on. I've got heaps of poetry in a vague collection that I have no idea what to do with.
In short, I need a hand here.
See, I've decided to cut this rope and stand on my own again. To feel the earth breathing beneath the soles of my feet. I'm going to run. I'm going to fight. I'm going to beat my chest and thrash and scream if I have to, because fuck just hanging here. Fuck stasis. I will not be old and broken, still talking about what could have been. I've never been that kind of man. I've always hurled myself against the wall headfirst and damn the consequences. Somewhere, I stopped doing that. Somewhere, I just stopped. Well now I've got a bit of bone, just sawing away. I could really use a knife.
If you'd like to help (and therefore be lauded in Aknowledgements pages for all the world to see when I'm incredibly famous as a smithy of words) get in touch with me. I know, as human beings go, people have busy schedules and I'm not aiming for this to be a quick process. As I said, some of these things require a good deal of work. But your contributuions would be vastly appreciated.
Keep in mind that I'm mostly looking for help with the fiction. I would like some aid in arranging poems and cutting out those that aren't working, and help with that will not be underappreciated because its difficult work, but the fiction is always my passion. And keep in mind that I write fantasy. I will provide glossaries and notes and I'm available to answer any questions that come up, but its still fantasy and that can get a little bit...confusing for people the first time they attempt it. Unfortunately, I don't actually know many people who make a regular habit of reading my beloved genre but I think that's a minor drawback. Fantasy is really a wonderful thing. More people should get into it. And not simply so I'll sell more books.
One last thought, if anyone has a good eye for cartography or really any sort of artwork get in touch with me. I think visualizing things is always the best way to write about them and it would be very nice to have some character sketches or pictures of places. See how close I've come in my descriptions. And maps, obviously, would be of unlimited help.
I realize I may have swayed you by steeping you in my personal despair before I plead for help, but don't offer just to make me happy. I want help here, but I need dedicated help. If you can spare an hour a week, that's perfect, but I need that hour. I'll devote all my time and energy to making it easier on you, as a show of thanks for all your help, but I'll need that help to be consistent and willingly given. Otherwise, don't worry yourself about it.
Gratefully Yours,
-S.R.
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