Originally Posted: 1/18/09
So you'll just piss away your dreams and look at me like I'm the villain. But sweetie, this ain't a fairytale and real life isn't simple. There's no good guys and bad guys, no heroes and monsters, no gods and no goddesses, no angels and demons. None of it is real, and none of it's concrete. You're just standing there, just shrieking, tossing shit into the street. And I'm long gone. Not because you don't matter, but because you never wanted it bad enough.
Lectures and reminders make me seethe like small offenses dug into the flesh and left to fester, grow, and conquer. I am not a child, I am not to be commanded. Do not tempt the tempter, do not tempt the Lord thy God. I am wrathful, I am cruel and I do not spare the weak.
I find it hard to say nice things when all I hear is bullshit. Little lies and spun-out tales and plots against my honor. Don't think me foolish, pretty please? It will be your last mistake. I am in no mood for pleasantries, my dears, I'd rather kill you where you stand. Sniveling, covetous rodents are not fit challengers to men. And though the meaning and the point escape you, know simply that I know.
I'm not the sinister one. Lurking in the shadows, bent on stealing, lying, cheating. But nor am I the gleaming knight in armor made of shiny platinum. This is what you wanted. This is the life we chose, the life we lead, and there is only one guarantee: None of us will see Heaven. I don't mind so much, the little misconceptions, but that's really all they are, facades, charades, falsehoods, fraud. They aren't truths and that means they cannot be exploited. Keep your true self hidden and you can't be destroyed.
You can't show spectres how you feel.
I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on, but then I think I'm content just sitting back and laughing arrogantly at the things that scurry below. I tried to live down in the muck among the rest of the world, and I realized that those vaulted ambitions, the conceit, the pompous disregard for humanity, and the utter arrogance of the high-born life suited me just fine. So I climbed back up on this high horse, and the rest of you be damned. I've had my fill of sacrifice, things you couldn't comprehend that I have turned away from. I've had my fill of good intentions, of inaction, of concern, of the true and righteous path. I found it all was hollow without you, and with you I would drown. But join me when you're ready, maybe there's still time to save the world.
This is what you wanted, this is what you get.
My sympathies are empty, and I wouldn't offend you by offering them. I've got more respect than that. Of course, that would be much easier to say if you believed it. Seems to me that when people go away they forget absolutely all the truths they know about me and simply spread the infection of lies and misconceptions to themselves. So believe what you will, but the caring never stopped. Will never stop. Some people just make it impossible to try.
If this seems scathing, take a few steps back and realize that all of it is said with utmost love. But reaching out my hand to have scalded and cut off just seems slightly masochistic and a waste of precious time. I'm tired and I'm battered and the storm is not quite done. I've got no energy to expend on fruitless endeavors. So I'll stand back a few paces and watch. I'll wait for you to need me and I'll spend some time building my strength. I have no desire to fight the winds of change to keep you with me. I have no desire to turn the tides and spin the world back 'round. And I have no desire to let go, to say goodbye.
So let's just say I love you and goodnight.
Yours,
S.R.
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