Raping, Stalling, Crestfallen

Originally Posted: 2/19/07

Vile monsters of the subversive kind haunt my waking moments like swamp water covered in brine. They slither and prattle and slink in the back of my mind, but their eyes are the worst part. Those eyes so full of hope and deception, of love and disdain at once I can barely stand to look at them. Why are so many of the people in my life frauds?

I have questions, questions I can't answer about the world and the justification of my own inactions. I wonder why people smile when they want to cry and why you never did love me. I think about it sometimes in those dark recesses of the night when man's mind is most succeptable to dreary thoughts, when the bleak ugliness of the world cascades down around us and we realize that we have no control, even over our own will.

I wish I could catch a fallng star one time and send it back to the sky, to save Mother Nothingness from losing a child. Ironic, isn't it? Wishing and wishing, we kill the stars and my one wish is to save one. I could laugh at that in another life, at another time. Now it just makes me sad. Maybe I'm growing up, maybe I'm getting old. I've been dead since the day I was born.

A fire in the eyes of a woman gripped with passion is like nothing you'll ever see. Its hunger and longing and sorrow combined. Its all the hope of what her passion will bring to pass, that the object of her affection will wisk her away to fairyland and marry her like the prince he is. The truth of that, is that men see that passion and it ignites a different kind of passion in them. The dark kind that comes with finally realizing the kind of power you have. Sadistic, reprehensible and utterly despicable. We know we have the power to crush your hopes and dreams, to destroy them in a single blow.

And we do it.

That's the most galling thing of all. We know we can, and we fucking do. Really opens your eyes to the depth of depravity we really exist at doesn't it? No matter what good we do in life, there is always the lingering burden that our actions have destroyed something beautiful.

For me, that is unthinkable. I can't live with it anymore.

I never said I beleived in forever.