Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Originally Posted: 2/6/06

Angels...

Raped and Ruined....

Seraphims...

Seduced and Spitted

Queens...

Loved and Gutted

You...

Next in Line

Welcome to my mind, a place where hope has abandoned and light is forsaken. For the next few paragraphs you will endure this place because you, being the human you are, can not help but delve into the things you fear most about the world around you. Those things, all of which live inside you, are your nightmares and little by little, I can make them come true.

Parents. Wonderful topic to discuss tonight and what wonderful people they are correct? Good. We're avoiding them. Rather, we're going to talk about friends. Ever have a good friend? Ever have a best friend? Ever have a bff? Well, if the last one is true do me a favor and cut out your genitals because you won't be needing them. If you're stupid enough to think something as fragile as friendship can last forever, then you deserve to reproduce about as much as I do. Sadly, this time around I am guilty of the very thing I am about to tell you how much I despise. I suppose maybe its that last part of my childhood starting to die off before I enter the bleak, utterly hopeless adult world. What a fucking prospect that is to look forward to.

Friends are something words can't actually be put to, despite how ignorant people attempt time and again. Its not possible, because relationships like that have no need for words. Therefore, they surpass them. I don't currently have a best friend, although I have gone through several. Hell, right now I'm lucky to find a friend when I need one to tell the truth. Now, before I elaborate on why this is, allow me to tell you why I chose this topic. A very dear friend called me the other night, last week now I suppose and it felt so good to hear this friend's voice that I could not think of anything much to say beyond how tired I was. The conversation quickly ended with her promise to call me the next day and my vow to get some sleep. The moment I heard the click I realized two things: 1.) By "I'll call you tomorrow" she meant "You fucker, why don't you ever call me?" and 2.) There were a million better things I could have and should have said to her not just then, but over the course of several years. In short, the reason that relationship is in shambles (not due to any fights but rather a lack of communication and time invested) is solely, my fault. Sad. Terrible. True.

I have few friends. It isn't due to my demeanor, my personality, or any of those things about me that sicken normal people. Its because I care too little or I don't show that I care enough. I lose contact with people and when the inevitable conflict over this occurs, I fall back into the asshole persona that I so lovingly crafted, and tell them to fuck off, or ignore them, or something else even more foolish than my normal behavior. I hurt people heedlessly, needlessly because I am too fucking arrogant to bother with myself. For that, I express sorrow but I wonder how often I mean it. Its not that I'm insincere. I can be sincere about mostly anything (especially how vehemently I abhor utter stupidity including my own). Its that I'm distant and I have trouble identifying or caring about anyone who has not become extraordinarily close to me. The three of them that there are. Outside of them, I have a more or less "How sad for you, when are you going to blow me?" attitude. Sad. Horrible. True.

In closing, my rant tonight has been less severe than normal and for the first time in a long time, it had an easily discernable point to it. I promise more of my usual nonsensical drivel next time.

To my friend, who shall ever remain nameless, I am truly sorry for all the dumb things I have said or failed to say or done. Especially when I try to say something that should have been silly, or cute and it comes off as a pathetic attempt at something entirely different. Gotta work on my people skills...but I do love you dearly. That's a start at least...

Evermore.

-Scar Rider