The Merits of Rejection

Originally Posted: 7/7/09

I was thinking today, and that never turns out well. Here's some shit I came up with.

I once told a woman
That I was in love with her.
She, very politely, told me to
Go fuck myself,
A piece of advice that has
Been more helpful
Than any I've received since.

Rejection has its merits. I say this first because its the thesis upon which everything hereafter is based and, well, that's how I was taught to write. Allow me to be more specific when I say what I mean by rejection, though. I don't mean being rejected for a personal loan, or being rejected by a prestigious college, or being rejected from joining the ranks of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (besides, fuck Dallas). I mean rejection in a personal sense. Boy (or girl) likes girl (or boy) admits it and is soundly turned away. That kind of rejection.

If you're a normal person, it inspires you to try harder. Maybe you want to change some aspect of yourself and that rejection spurs you to do it. Maybe you want to manipulate that person into thinking you've changed, believing you are, now that they've cast you aside like rubbish once, more to their liking. Actually, that one seems most likely. Courting is, after all, an elaborate series of lies. You paint yourself perfect. Once the object of your affection is yours, then you reveal the slithering pit of snakes that is your personality. By then, its too late for them.

If you're someone else, rejection gives you a better idea about the kind of person you're attracted to and, more importantly, the kind of person that is attracted to you. That lesson is a little harder to learn. Just because one busty blonde has decided your ability to burp the Star Spangled Banner isn't endearing doesn't mean another one will think likewise. I didn't say, however, that rejection would tell you everything. Just that it will make your options a little less vague.

For most of us, probably all of us, rejection is a fear. It isn't a paralyzing, pants-shitting phobia, but it is something we're afraid of encountering. That makes your average person cautious. When you invest in someone, or something, only to have them snort derisively at your pathetic wooing, it hurts. That's a merit, right? Caution? I think so. Recklessness is good most of the time. Especially when you're young. You learn from your mistakes, exhalt in your triumphs, and become a better, stronger, (faster?) person. Other people, though, are indeed paralyzed with the fear of rejection. These people will agonize over a crush, or a pet they want mommy to buy them, or any number of things, for months or years and never say a word. The hints are there but, let's face it, your love interest isn't a mind reader. Then they're hopelessly crushed when that love slips into the hands of another. When these people make the news, they're usually socipaths. However, I think there is a larger group of shy, rejection phobes who aren't the stalker-killer type.

Which brings me to a related topic. Let's all grow some balls. Seriously, folks, we all need to. In times past, men didn't fear rejection because they simply asked a woman out and the woman said yes. Otherwise, she'd be beaten and cast out of her family to become an old hag and/or prostitute. That's how I imagine it, at any rate. The socially accepted behavior for most of our species' history was that men approached women and women, for the most part, were basically useless property. Except when it came to fucking and cooking. Even then, more than a few of them were incapable of functioning properly and needed a sound reminder of their place in the world.

These days, gender lines are blurred and that tradition, much like slavery and the guillotine, isn't worth clinging to. You can't knock your wife around for making shitty coffee and women can't wait around for Prince Charming to grow some hair on his sack and ask them to the ball. Also, more often than not, Prince Charming is either gay or confined eternally to the Purgatory that is Friend Space. Guys have the same problem, though. We all seem to be so locked into this Pussy Pounding Competition (an actual pasttime in China, I'm told) that we rarely pursue a girl we aren't sure of bedding, thus damning Princess...whatever the gender equivalent of Charming would be, to Friend Space. Not that being friends is a bad thing. It only blows when you're condemned there.

I think that fear of rejection comes into play there. You go after a girl you're not sure of and she tells you to suck the snot off the tip of Castro's spider-veined cock and you look like a sissy in front of all the tiny-dicks you call your friends. Or "Bros", if you prefer. Likewise, I think being rejected a time or two will let you take these things a little less seriously and act a little bit more like a human being than a jackal. Who gives a shit what those Varsity Basketball players think? Those guys peaked at seventeen. Life after highschool (or maybe college) for most of them is a downhill slope of failure. And so what if she rejects you? Big fucking deal. It isn't the end of the world. Find someone she hates and nail her instead, if you're the vindictive type. Better yet, her best friend. Unless her best friend is a guy. No, even then. He's probably into it.

This is, I admit, one of those places in life where I'm something of a hypocrite. I don't really go for the gold myself. But do you want to end up like me? Surely not, good sir, surely not. Also, a lot of you (meaning everyone else on the planet) are more upset by your fear of rejection, or your experiences with rejection, than I am. I don't take many things seriously enough to be upset by them, at least not when it comes to interactions with other people. Letting someone else dictate how I feel seems like a waste of time to me. Actually, try it my way before you decide to grow enormous testicles and ask out that secret crush. Just relax, lay back, have a beer or a smoke or something, and enjoy the ride. Someone wise once said, "Life is a highway," so ride her all night long.

Another thing, just breifly. Think about the last time you had a little crush on someone. You know how you wanted to hide it but, at the same time, you kept dropping little hints you felt hepless to prevent? Cut it the fuck out. Look, that person is never going to pick up on it. Never. Seriously. Especially if they feel the same way and they, like you, are too shy and emotionally stunted to do something about it. They're going to think one of two things, either you're fucking weird and they should stay away from you, or you've turned into some kind of wacky metrosexual Bizzaro version of yourself. Your friends, though, will see it almost imemdiately and laugh at you. They laugh mercilessly at you because friends are like pet tigers. Pet tigers in that, they're cute and cuddly until you display some kind of weakness, and then they eat your flesh because it tastes good. Lovingly, of course.

There you have it. Either learn to live with rejection, its merits and its upsets, or learn to love masturbation and writing scathing Facebook Notes. Those are your options, and now is the time to pick one. Join us next week for, "Fisting: Ejaculation Aid or Indicator of Rage Issues?"

That's all folks,
-S.R.